Viagra
Grandpa and Grandma were visiting the kids overnight, when Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son‘s medicine cabinet.

He asked the son about using one of the pills, and the son said “I don‘t think you should take one; they‘re very strong and very expensive.“

“How much?“ asked Grandpa.

$10.00 a pill answered the son.

“I don‘t care,“ said Grandpa, “I‘d like to try one, and I‘ll leave the money under your pillow as soon as I break this $50.00 bill.“

The next morning the son found $110.00 under his pillow. He said to Grandpa, “I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00.“

“I know,“ said Grandpa. ”The hundred is from Grandma.

There were three babies in a woman‘s stomach, and they were
discussing what they would like to be when born and grown up.
The first one said, “I wanna be a plumber.“ The others laughed at this,
and asked “Why plumber?“ He replied, “so I can fix the pipes in here, it‘s kinda
leaky.“
The second one said, “I wanna be an electrician. “ The others
laughed at this and asked “Why an electrician? “ He replied, “So I
can get some lights in here, it‘s dark!“
The third one said, “I wanna be a boxer.“ The others thought this was hilarious,
and laughed for a full 5 minutes, before asking, “Why in God‘s name do you
want to be a boxer?“

He replied, ”So I can beat the hell out of that bald guy who keeps
coming in here and spitting on us!

A man was being chased by a lion in the jungle. As he gets tired and feels he can‘t run anymore he stand still and pray:

‘Ohhhhh God, would you please make this lion a Christian pleeeeese!!! !!!!‘

As requested, God made the lion a Christian. As it reaches him the lion Kneels down and pray:

‘Thank you Lord for providing this meal. Bless me as I eat, in Jesus‘ Name. Amen‘

For many Christians, prayer is a challenge. Please as you pray be specific. The man should have asked for a lion to be made a vegetarian Christian and not just a Christian!!!

So when you ask God to make you a millionaire don‘t forget to specify the currency because you may become a millionaire in Zimbabwean dollars!!!.

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH (Institute of Mental
Health) He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home.
He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down.
When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the
bolts into the drain.
As he can‘t fish the bolts out, he started to panic.
One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there‘s nothing much he can do; he told
the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said “can‘t even fix such a simple problem…
no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver…“
Here‘s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it
onto this tyre.
Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as
that!
The driver was very impressed and asked “You‘re so smart but why are you
here at the IMH?“
Patient replied: ”Hello, I stay here because I‘m crazy not STUPID!

As a plane plunges into the ocean,one passenger stands up and shouts,”for christ‘s sake somebody do something holy.A beliver stands up and starts collecting.

A woman visits the dentist.As the dentist leans closer to begin work on her teeth,she grabs his crotch to wich the dentist says,“i think you‘ve got hold of my privates,“she replies,”hope we are‘nt going to hurt each other.

No matter what Moshe did in bed his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to
consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the
following suggestion: ‘Hire a strapping young man. While the two of
you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. That
will help the wife fantasize, and should bring on an orgasm.‘

They go home and follow the Rabbi‘s advice. They hire a handsome young
man, and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn‘t
help, and the wife is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the Rabbi. ‘Okay,‘ he says to the husband,
‘Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife, and you
wave the towel over them.‘

Once again, they follow the Rabbi‘s advice. They go home, and hire the
same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife,
and the husband waves the towel.

The wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking, screaming orgasm. The
husband smiles, looks at the young man, and says to him triumphantly:
‘You see, you schmuck, THAT‘S how you wave a towel!‘

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That‘s nice,‘ she thinks, ‘but I want more.‘
So she continues upward.. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,‘ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Dropdead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!‘ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!‘
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Dropdead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store‘s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Bomakhadzi wee!

A Metro police officer in Johannesburg Central approaches a group of street vendors sitting and selling their stuff.
Police Officer: Sorry, but no street vendors are allowed here.

Street Vendor (A woman) furiously jumps up and says ‘Ja, I knew it. What about street Sothos across the road or even this woman selling next to me, she is a street Xhosa and I bet you never said anything to street Zulus in Bree Street. You people are all the same, you are scared of Street Nigerians and just because I am a Venda you don‘t want me to sell here‘?

Not Fair! Struuuuuu…...

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed. Kathleen quickly responded,

‘He shouldn‘t have crawled in there in the first place…...smack him again!‘

A man calls the paramedics to get assistance for his wife who is already experiencing labour pains.The man on the other end asks,‘is this hers first child?‘to which the angry husband replies,‘no you fool,this is her husband.‘

Best firewall ever…

1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.

2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.

3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.

4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.

5. This means that the throughput of a man‘s member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000×2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875 Terabyte/sec

This means that the female egg cell withstands this DDoS attack at 1.5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that only THIS small data package that it lets through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!